Zoom Coulthard moments before he accidentally dropped his helmet in a nearby fish tank

In a surprise announcement made at midnight on this date, veteran driver David Coulthard has informed the media that he intends to take over Red Bull’s half-share in the Toro Rosso team.

The famous Scot’s decision follows the recent revelation from Red Bull boss Dietrich Mateschitz, who no longer wishes his company to have a stake in the Toro Rosso outfit by the start of the 2010 season.

“When Didi said that, the idea of becoming a team owner popped into my mind,” said Coulthard. “It all seemed so suddenly logical.”

“I love racing but I’m not getting any younger you know, as you’ve repeated often enough,” he added, staring down a few gathered journalists as he spoke.

The team will be renamed Coulthard Power Racing – CPR.

“Initially I wanted it to be named the CSR team, but the word ‘Super’ was already taken,” admitted Coulthard, whose Superman cape worn on the 2006 Monaco podium is still draped over the shoulders of a wooden sculpture, representing a large life-size naked woman, standing next to the entrance of his appartment.

It also appears that the team’s current engine supply contract with Ferrari will be terminated in favour of Mercedes. The new deal should begin with the 2010 season.

“I no longer work with McLaren-Mercedes of course, but I was there long enough to still have rights to the employee discount,” Coulthard stated. “We’ll save millions!”

Gerhard Berger’s wishes of remaining on board as Team Principal will be respected, since Coulthard’s role as a Grand Prix driver will be maintained when he transfers teams.

“As I’ve said many times before, I still have all the energy required to race,” he repeated once more. “I’ll be one of the bosses at CPR anyway, I can pretty much take any position I want.”

“And it’s not like anyone is going to prevent me from doing so if ever I’m no longer up to par,” he declared with a hearty guffaw.

Standing at his side up until that moment, Gerhard Berger smiled, shrugged, took another bite out of his tuna sandwich and walked away.

Dan B. Fish
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